During Winter break, I spent my time off being sick as well as working. For that chunk of time, I did what I often do during my time away from school: question everything. I logged onto BC Student loans and stared at the ever growing dollar amount that I will eventually have to pay back. I compared myself to people my age and younger: people that are already on their track with planted feet and a plan. I compared myself to my partner who has won so many awards and is constantly being recognized for his achievements and smarts. I experienced tsunami size waves of anxiety that just crashed into me causing my strength and determination to weaken with every hit. I am a rock that is weathering.
On Monday I will be starting the Semester in Dialogue program at SFU and I’m feeling a whirlwind of emotions. I’m terrified to jump into third year without taking any classes related to my major, I’m annoyed that I didn’t speak to an academic advisor before I applied to this program, I’m feeling overwhelmed that I waited until today to start the 15+ hours of reading and documentary watching I must complete before Monday, I’m scared to participate in a program that many have referred to as “life changing”. On the contrary, I’m excited to be in a new environment in a very intimate 20 person cohort. I’m looking forward to bonding, making friends, and learning about myself. I’m feeling like this is going to be such a challenge, but that in the long run, I will value everything I will embark on. I did something that I never thought I would do: jump into something head first without thinking about pros and cons. I knew the moment that I read the topic of dialogue “decolonizing dialogues, solidarity and activism” I had to be a part of the conversation.
So here I am a few days before the first day of class worrying as per usual. I’m trying to take notes on one of the readings, but find myself becoming more and more distracted. One positive about feeling so distracted is I am feeling inspired to write and to create. Perhaps I’ll accept these flustered thoughts and move with them by recording my emotions.